Library Fines Ain't No Joke

I should've known from the get-go that the librarians at the aren’t messing around.  Signing up for my card many months ago, I rattled off my long address, leaving out the irritating SE, which I firmly believe is unnecessary since every address in our zip code is SE.

“You’re new here,” the lady chastised, “so you must not know that all of the Avenue addresses are followed by the SE while the Street addresses are preceeded by the SE.”

I successfully suppressed the urge to roll my eyes and thanked her for setting me straight.

But now, I’m not feeling so thankful. I just received another library reprimand, this one a letter informing me that the last book I return had warped pages and I am therefore obligated to replace it.

The notice read:

“EVIDENCE OF EXTENSIVE WET DAMAGE PAGES RIPPLED FIRST PART OF THE BOOK. BOOK TO BE DISCARDED.”

Yes, it was in all caps, a little over-the-top if you ask me. And clearly, the note is a grammatical train wreck, as anyone can see. What up, library ladies? Losing your touch?

I quickly thought back to my crime. Ah, yes, I did have that book poolside at Lake Chelan and accidentally held it against a damp swimsuit. For just a moment! A few pages were slightly wobbly after they dried out but book was hardly ruined. The whole incident was so minor, it never dawned on me that I was going to get rapped on the knuckles over it.

But apparently they’ve got some eagle-eyed librarians manning the book drop, scanning the hard covers for any sign of wear and tear, which is pretty much what you’re going to get when a hundred people read the same copy of a title.

And the volume, well, it wasn’t exactly coffee table book on the Sistine Chapel. It was, I’m a little embarrassed to admit, Mini Shopaholic, which while not War and Peace is an incredibly hilarious read. I laughed out loud more than once, which is actually kind of annoying because then everyone around you wants to know what’s so funny and it takes forever to explain it and it’s never as hilarious in the retelling anyway.

In the same batch of mail as my notice was the invoice for $25. These people sure don’t waste any time. Apparently, they need to throw out that rippled copy of Mini Shopaholic and replace that sucker asap! The King County Library System was also eager to point out that should I not pay my $25 fine expediently, a $5 fee will be tacked on and the entire thing sent to collections.

COLLECTIONS? Over a slightly damp bit of chick lit? What’s next, jail time for jaywalking? 

Here are two questions I have about this whole book fine process:

1.  Why am I being charged full retail price? Full price is pretty easily avoided unless we’re supporting our small local businesses which I’m all for. But, honestly, I could have a copy in my mailbox in two days for $15. But no, they don’t accept replacement items. 

2. Since I’m buying the library a new book, shouldn’t I get to keep the old one? Seems fair to me.

 I’m tempted to call them up and ask if this is all for real. But somehow I don’t think that would be well received. I’m scared my library card might be mysteriously voided.

On that note, I better go pay some bills.