Six Secrets of a Suburban Scrooge

During December Andy Williams assures us daily that “it’s the most wonderful time of the year,” but I doubt everyone agrees.

In the over-hyped holiday season, some people resent constant reminders of lost loved ones and distances un-bridged, others feel the financial pressures of gift-giving (not to mention feeding their families) and many find the season over-commercialized, and struggle to focus on its true meaning.

I’m a bit of Scrooge myself, mainly because I struggle with Christmas carols, premature store displays and the “gimmies and the want’ums.” I have found some survival strategies, but first, let’s discuss the problems:

Many Christmas carols simply depress me. Darlene Love and U2 resonate remorse with the words “It’s not like Christmas at all, ‘cuz I remember when you were here”; Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra evoke tears when they croon “I’ll be home for Christmas… if only in my heart”; and Judy Garland’s quivering “From now on we'll have to muddle through somehow, so have yourself a Merry little Christmas now” is so sad, the song’s lyrics had to be changed. Need I even mention Elvis’ vow:  “I’ll have a blue Christmas without you”?

What’s more, have you ever wondered why holiday songs celebrate adultery (“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, underneath the mistletoe last night,”) and the fact that a kid with un-medicated ADHD is “gettin’ nuttin’ for Christmas” (okay, so he “broke [his] bat on Johnny’s head”)? And, seriously, must we sing along to the date-rape anthem “Baby It’s Cold Outside” (“Say, what’s in this drink?... I ought to say No, No, No, sir...(Oh baby don’t hold out…).”

All of this Christmas cheer now starts in late September, when savvy retailers “get a jump” on the holiday season. And yet, it still strikes me as odd to see candy corn and candy canes sold side-by-side, and Christmas ribbon stashed alongside back-to-school supplies.

Sure, I recall pouring over the Sears Christmas Catalog and making wish lists when I was young, but I don’t remember the fervor, the frenzy and the early fall start. (Also, we didn’t have Costco, Wall*Mart and 2,500 TV channels’ for commercials…)

(To read more of my holiday griping, as well as some tactics for surviving the season, please go to my blog, http://permissionslips.wordpress.com/2011/12/05/survival-tactics-for-a-suburban-scrooge/, which I write alternately with my friend and colleague